For Mother's Day, it's the "Top Ten Pieces of Advice For Being a Good Mother."

10. Even if you're not, say you're proud.
9. Don't stare at the hairpiece.
8. Kids love construction sites.
7. Lower your expectation.
6. When your child won't stop crying, say, "enough, David, you're 63!"
5. To keep baby company, how about a raccoon?
4. If he learns to shoot pool, he'll never go hungry.
3. There's no better babysitter than television.
2. No matter how much he begs, don't go to the prom with him.
1. Once they're 18, they ain't your problem.